WHAT A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

*Warning* - long posting .. but well worth it!



Ohhhhhhh some days I'm just happy to be alive! I lead a pretty quiet, uneventful life so I'm pretty easily amused.

Today 3 Jehovah's Witnesses came to My country door. First of all, I think you gotta be pretty desperate to go out to the country where there's only a house every 5 miles. I mean how are you going to meet your Jesus quota that way????

So they tell Me they're here to talk to Me about God, and hand Me a couple of brochures, one of them is about 'What does God think of alcohol?" to which I replied, "Didn't Jesus turn the water into wine? Oh yeah, and weren't some of his disciples so drunk they passed out butt naked?"

And the reply was "Yes, people have messed up this world something terrible."

And My response "Didn't God create people?? Isn't God perfect? Why would God create something that didn't work just so He could punish it? Is God that sadistic? If I built a car that blew up every 3 feet, wouldn't I just start over with a NEW car instead of just blaming the old car (that I created) as being a piece of crap?"

*** at this point the poor ladies knew this wasn't going to be the 'average' house call.

Then they pointed out that all the earthquakes and hurricanes are God's way of saying that the end times are near.

I simply said, "All the earthquakes and stuff are the cause of 'climate change' that's probably caused by HUMANS and it's the earth's way of saying "KNOCK IT OFF!!" I also pointed out that driving around in the country telling old folk tales is not helping their 'carbon footprint' either! And why is this end times the right one? What happened to 1988, what happened to 2000? Are you now selling 2012 as the magic time??" I also pointed out that the odd weather that we are seeing ain't NOTHING .... just wait another 10 or 20 years and watch the fun! Oh yeah, I also pointed out that IF God creates these earthquakes, it was sure nice of Him to slaughter 200,000 innocent people in Haiti. Nice guy!!!

Then I felt obligated to point out that their Bible says the earth is around 6000 years old even though every single branch of science has unanimously agreed that the earth is around 4.5 billion years old and is whizzing through the universe which is around 14.4 billion years old.

They said "God created MAN around 6000 years old, not the earth and stars and stuff."

My response "BULLSHIT ...... In the beginning there was a endless VOID, and God created the earth, and the stars, and the planets, and the trees, and the waters, and , and , and. Then He was exhausted so He took a nap on the 7th day."

And they tried to say "It doesn't really say how long man has been around in the Bible."

And I responded "BULLSHIT ..... it's one of many fatal errors in the bible. They put a genealogy chart that can be traced back to the days of Adam and Eve, and that same time God made them, He created everything else too!! Nice try!!"

** At this point I started to realize that they didn't have much of a leg to stand on with their questions, so I decided to turn the tables around and throw out a few questions of My own.

So I asked THEM - "How come God never answers prayers? How come Christian people who get married have a higher divorce rate than non-Christians? How come there is NO evidence of a world wide flood? Wouldn't it be safe to say that if you were in Pakistan right now doing the same thing you'd be handing out brochures of how Mohammad is the son of Allah? Why are there unicorns mentioned in the Bible? How come the Bible says the earth is the center of all the universe and everything spins around us, when it clearly doesn't? Do you really believe that Noah lived to be 950 years old, and at around 500 years old He took on the task of building a 450 foot ark made up of gopher wood? Isn't it odd that God's 7th commandment is 'thou shalt not kill' and yet God himself commanded the death of millions of people?"

Oh yeah .. needless to say, I don't think these poor Jehovah witnesses were quite up to the task of dealing with a prick like Me! If it wasn't the middle of winter, I would have taken them on the tour of "Noah's Ark" that I measured out on My property. I think I could have spent a few hours with these ladies ... hell, I might have even convinced them to become agnostic!

And as we parted ways they asked if they could come back some day and discuss God with Me again (must be part of the contract to get to Heaven). To which I kindly said "NO". I pointed out that I would enjoy them coming to My door spouting religion to Me just as much as they would like it if a bunch of naked men had a gay orgy on their front doorstep. I wished them luck, and told them you don't need religion to be a good person, it's OK to just go out in the world and be good person all on your own!

And My last words to them were the best sound advice I thought I could give, and that is "I don't know all the answers .. but YOU DON'T EITHER! And that's OK! Take care and good luck."

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So all in all, that was a hell-of-a-lot of fun. I'm kinda disappointed I didn't tell them to come back. But I guess if I ever want to get into a heated debate about religion with someone, I shouldn't have to go very far to make that happen.

Jehovah's Witnesses

All right before I continue, my avid readers might have read yesterdays blog and thought "Isn't the people who go door to door Jehovah's Witnesses and NOT mormons?"

To this I would like to respond in a two part answer.

1. Yes, typically, this is the people who you "vision" going door to door spreading the "Word of the Lord". BUT, Mormons do it too.

2. I was on a roll yesterday with my rage of talking about stupid people so SHUT UP! I can't help what comes out on the P.C. when I get that way! I'm like the incredible Hulk when I get worked up about stupid people, there's just no control over what I type!



NOW, back to the subject at hand. JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!

Let's see what these mentally lapsing retards believe.

- They believe that Jesus was created by Jehovah, then everything else was created by Jesus by means of Jehovah

- Jesus preformed miracles while He was on earth, but, He does not do them anymore. I guess He's retired from magic shows. Which, by the way, is a perfect excuse for the reason that there is NO proof of Jesus as long as anyone can remember. "He don't do that anymore" - I love it!

- Jehovah Witnesses believe that Jesus and the archangel Micheal are the SAME person.

- Then there's this crap about 144,000 magical people who get to reign and have immortal life as co-rulers with Jesus. Yup, not 145,000, not 143,000, not even 144,001. Just 144,000 !! Good God .. where to there come up with this crap!

- Then when the end of the world comes, these 144,000 people will get the HELP Jesus in judging the rest of us. So in total, with Jesus, I guess it really is 144,001 ! I just want to clarify that for the record.

- They also don't believe in Hell. But they do believe in Heck, oddly enough.

- They do NOT celebrate New Years, Easter, Halloween, or Christmas. Kinda a pisser for the kids don't ya think. This reason ALONE would shy me away from these guys.

- They are forbidden to sing about any patriotic songs. They are also against the military. Hmmm, sounds like they LOVE their religious FREEDOM that we give them, but spit in the face of it at the same time. How lovely.

- They are forbidden to EVER have a blood transfusion. If they do, they are banished from the church! MANY people have died or gotten very sick because of this stupid belief. Oh well, one less religious whack-o. Where's the down side?

- And of course, they go door to door, trying to convince you that your a lost soul if you don't believe in what they are saying and that you will not go to heaven and meet the retired magician Jesus if you don't give them your money and start believing in their sack of bullshit that their spewing out.


Bottom line, it's just the same old shit with a few different rules. I'm sure one day someone was having a religious argument about something or another, then got pissed off, created His own rules, and started yet another mutation of the Bible and called it Jehovah's Witnesses. It's just another in a looooong line of mutations that think THEY ARE RIGHT, and everyone else is wrong. A.K.A. - My God's penis is BIGGER than your God's penis. That's really what is comes down to, every single time.

But as for Me, Myself, and I. I think I'll continue to sit right here, out on my limb, and continue to say ......... "Your ALL full of shit. Every single last one of you." AMEN!


And unless Jesus wants to come out of HIS retirement and help me out with some magic, I still have 297 days left until MY retirement.


Todays RBV:

John 9:6 When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay.

This is the famous, "Made the blind to see" trick. And even though Jesus is retired from doing magic, His tricks, oddly enough, are still available on Ebay.