I found Jesus

I finally found Jesus !!!! Right in front of my nose this WHOLE time. Isn't that just how Jesus works??

What the hell am I talking about you ask? I'm saying I FOUND JESUS!! She always been there!! Yes .. I said She! It's my wife ... can you believe it?? I MARRIED JESUS for Christs sake!!

Now just how the hell did I come to the conclusion that I am married to Jesus? Well DUH ... just look at all the clues!!

1. Has an unbearable cross to carry.
Uhmmm ... hello!! That cross is ME! I don't think another woman on earth could bear the burden of putting up with Me. And yet She does with somewhat ease. ONLY Jesus could do this!

2. Teaches patience, and morals, and ethics, and respect .. and all that 'character counts' bullshit.
This AGAIN is Her. She reels me back in when I go way off the deep end with stuff. She teaches me these values when I go astray. Even though these values only stick with me for an hour or so before I'm diving off another cliff, She still cares enough to start over and teach Me again.

3. Born in a manger because the Inn was full.
Now I'm not sure about the manger part .. but I can prove to you that She was INDEED born. I have the paperwork!!

4. Cured the sick.
Oh my God, She is so good at this. I've lost count how many times the kids come down with something nasty and the next thing you know, there as good as new again.

5. Feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish.
Now to be honest, I don't remember having the fish since it's not my favorite meal, but I do remember some people coming over and staying for supper and we both looked in the fridge and seen we had next to nothing to feed them. Then the next thing you know, we're all sitting at the table and here She comes with plate after plate of food ... like there was a sudden cornucopia of food out of no where!!! How did She do this?? I still don't know.

6. Turned water into wine.
Again ... details, details .. who cares. So it wasn't wine, it was Captain Morgan. Is it really that important? All I know is I gave Her an empty glass with nothing but some melting ice in it, and She returned a short time later with the cuppith overflowith with spirit!! However She did it, it's pretty damn cool.

7. Healing the blind and the dumb.
I, once again, am first hand witness to this account. I am quite often either blind or dumb (sometimes both at once), and She will come and open my eyes to something I could not see before .. even though it was right in front of me all along.

8. Raised the dead.
Yes, it's true. One night after a lot of drinks, we were in bed, and She was a little (you know). To which I responded, "I can't .... I drank to much, it's dead." But low and behold if She didn't breathe life back into ................ well ...... you get the idea.



So scoff if you will. I was once in your shoes, but now I know better! I was blind but now I see, I was weak, but now I'm strong, I was sober, but then I started drinking and came up with todays blog.



Todays RBV: Ezekiel 24:10 Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned.


Huh !?! I guess according to the Bible we are suppose to eat meat .. whadda-ya-know. But then it also says that the end of the world is any day now and has successfully missed the marked by a few thousand years.

Once upon a time.

Once upon a time there was a lady who gave birth to a "miracle" son. You see the baby was never conceived, She just magically became pregnant and had a child on December 25th. The child was called "The son of God". As the child grew up, it began teaching the public about a higher power called "God".That if you lived your life for Him, you would live forever in heaven with His father. He preformed miracles on earth and had disciples who taught His ways. Many people believed this man and followed Him as He was on earth teaching the masses. On the other hand, many people did not believe He was the Son of God and brought Him to justice and had Him crucified on the cross. He died there on the cross, and was buried, but magically, 3 days later He rose up into Heaven and disappeared from the tomb. He now is seated at the right hand of His Father in Heaven until a glorious day when He will return to judge the heavens and the earth.

Now, I ask you, who am I speaking about. I'm willing to bet that 99% of you will say "Jesus Christ". And you'd be right. However, did you know that this story is also pretty much true for Attic of Greece, Krishna of India, Dionysus of Greece, Mithra of Persia, and many, many more self claimed Messiahs back during that time? "WHAT? Who the hell are these people??" Yes, it's true, there were a whole bunch of people who had the same damn story as Jesus did, born of a virgin on December 25th, did miracles, had disciples, was crucified, rose again. What ?? You thought the story of Jesus Christ was "unique"??? HA HA, that's a good one. Do some research and you'll find just the opposite is true. Again, don't take my word for it.

There is also a good reason why all these stories are very similar, but I can't go into it on this blog. That story deserves a day dedicated to itself. For now, just know that there were dozens of "Jesuses" back in the day with the exact same storyline.

So lots and lots of people claimed to be the messiah, and were here with magic powers to bring God's message to the world. Yeah, really gets you wondering don't it. It's really no different than all the idiot cults out there today doing the same thing. Claiming to be Jesus, locking themselves up in a compound somewhere, brainwashing the people, having sex with most of the women. Which leads me to a good point. All this story telling started 1000's of years ago .... AND PEOPLE ARE STILL FALLING FOR IT TODAY!!!! HOLY HEAVENLY SHIT PEOPLE !!!! HOW POSITIVELY, RETARDED, INSANELY, BRAIN DEAD STUPID CAN YOU BE???? STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I swear, if I could make my letters on this page 20 feet tall, I would do it. I will NEVER stop wondering how stupid people are, I'm finding myself looking at a cow licking an electric fence and thinking he's more intelligent than most humans. Holy crap, the migraines I'm going to get pondering the stupidity of the human race.

And if these people are not CLAIMING to be Jesus, they say they talk to God. People like Pat Robertson, and George Bush. Yeah, that's who we need running our country, people who hear voices in their head telling them to nuke another country. "God told me to do it so it's OK". The world is full of radical religious people causing more problems than I could ever express on this blog. I told myself when writing this blog I would tame down the swearing a bit but FUCK! I just had to type it, sometimes I get so overwhelmed by stupidity, I just need to say FUCK!

So the next time your on your knees at the foot of your bed praying for a miracle of winning the lottery, make sure you specify which person you are indeed praying to. Because whether you believe it or not, there were a TON of messiahs back in the day, all claiming the same bullshit, all of them saying they were the son of God, all of them now dead as a doorknob, just like you and me someday.

With that, please help control the stupid population and have a friend spade or neutered. Thank you.


Todays RBV:

1st Chronicles 4:5 And Ashur the father of Tekoa had two wives, Helah and Naarah.

FINALLY, a bible verse I can agree with. 2 wives ... awesome!! I've seen alot of movies kinda on the lines of 2 wives and it looks pretty good to me.