FAILURE !!

Failure .. yup that's Me ! It's time to go back and pull My large foot out of My mouth and then start eating My own words.

This time last year I made some pretty big claims in the form of New Years resolutions. I did this for a couple of reasons. One, I wasn't working. What a perfect time to go out and take on 'brave new worlds', to take some chances and go for it! Two, I had hope that boastfully publishing My goals on the world wide web for all of 10 people to read it would FORCE Me to keep My promises, as apposed to just making resolutions and keeping them to Myself.

Well, it's not ALL doom and gloom. I'm a prick, and that includes being a prick to Myself as well. I feel if I didn't go out and do EVERYTHING, then I did nothing at all. So let's get this over with so we can move on to more important issues in the world. Here is the list of My 2009 resolutions.

1. Eating all natural for as long as I can. - Well now 'as long as I can' leaves it kinda open ended don't you think? At any rate I did it for a month, felt great, then quit. How's that for stupidity?? I still wonder why I quit???

2. Not shaving My beard until I lost 50 lbs. - I did lose 26 pounds, and probably gained it all back since then. It kinda goes with #1 resolution. Quit eating healthy so why keep the beard for losing weight. I think I made it until April-ish and I just decided to shave everything off, including My hair. I still have it all in a zip lock bag if your interested. It's going for $212/ounce.

3. No haircut until I lose 50 lbs. (see #2's response)

4. Not leaving My property for 30 days. - HEY .. I made this one with ease!! It was fun! Shutting out society in full is not only a resolution, it's a goal in life!!!!!! I had a blast for a month, moved some snow, cut down a tree by hand, built a fire and cooked some food in the middle of a field with 6 feet of snow all around Me.

5. Not dragging the rest of the family into living on rice, rocks, and sticks. - Yeah, I made this one too, they all lived a pretty normal year considering their Daddy is only partially sane.

6. Grow a corn maze. - Yeah .. I blew this one big time! In fairness, everything I planned to make this work came apart. The neighbor with all the stuff decided to sell all His equipment to the buyer of His house (major problem for Me). The stuff I wanted to sell to raise capital for this venture turned out to have problems and no one bought it. We had one of the worst winters on records which in turn made for an extremely late planting season. No farmer out there would even think of doing My little 5 acres in His spare time (they didn't have any!!!) And finally, the person who bought My neighbors property said He was going to continue doing a corn maze every year. Now how many people by a house because it has a corn maze with it??? Apparently ONE did!! *odds of that- 1 in 1,252,043.*

7. Making less than poverty to avoid paying taxes to a spend-happy government who bails out big corporations. - I think we made this one too, in fact, I was happy to do it! This is another one of those goals in life that makes total sense to Me.

8. Not going back to work for a year. - Well I was a few days shy of a year, but I guess that's close enough. Had I found a way to make some money without working for the man in the last year, I wouldn't have gone back to work!! But I guess the few hours I put in each week don't really justify as work, just a way to keep the guilt off for not contributing to the family funds while both kids are now in school full time. Besides, I spend a great deal of time passing along My life's philosophy to My fellow co-workers who are half My age. Start 'em young!!!

9. Not fall into a 'made up' religious belief. - NO PROBLEM!! If nothing else, I am a sound believer in rationality and reason today!! I am THRILLED to say I have totally broken free from the religious chains that have kept Me caged in for 36 years. What a feeling this has been. AMEN!!

10. Continue to be a stubborn ass. - Again, no problem! Some days all I have to do is wake up to make this happen!

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There you have it! I fully admit it! I yelled LOUD about doing it, and I didn't make it! In closing I would say I don't know what the hell happened to Me. I used to be the guy that said something, and DAMMIT, I would get it done!! Maybe it's age, maybe it's good old American laziness. Whatever the reason, I'm not happy with it, nor proud of it, but for some reason I'm living with it.

Sorry for the long boring post about My personal life. I try hard not to type about stuff like this as it makes it like so many other blogs out there .. stupid and boring! But when it comes to stuff I said about ME that I failed at, I wanted to cover it ALL, so I wouldn't be the typical hypocrite that so many of us are today! All in all, My life is fantastic! I barely work, I play with the kids, I have ZERO stress, I have no debt, and more free time than anyone could ever hope for, and I'm married to the coolest person on earth. I'm not sure what else you could want, shy of 72 virgins when you die, and we all know what a bullshit story that is.

As for 2010 resolutions, well .. let's just say I'll continue to kick society and the typical way of life in the balls whenever it comes to close to Me and leave it at that.